I just…I don’t know, get irrationally depressed. I can’t find anybody to hang out with tonight and it drives me bonkers. I hate that I’m like this. D’s sick, so I can’t hang out with him without risking getting sick myself, which I can’t risk!
I just really hate being alone. I haven’t been alone alone since like Thanksgiving weekend, when I had no time to see D or my family till Sunday. I hated it then and I hate it now. I can’t stand being alone. I can’t stand being turned down to hang out. My last resort turned me down. Ugh. I don’t even know what to do. I don’t like being home alone. I guess I do have the dogs this time, but they’re sleeping and they don’t very much do social interacting. Since break started, I haven’t been alone very much at all. I get to see D a lot, except on the days where he’s hanging with friends and I am, too. But that’s not the case tonight. It’s tuesday night and nobody wants to hang. Van’s with her sister, Jacob and Kels are probably hanging out. So there goes the core of my group. I don’t want to be home. I don’t want to go out in public alone either. I don’t do well with people staring at me. They’re judging me for being alone and what not. Since school hasn’t started and I don’t have text books to fake like I’m studying, there is not even a point to going out. I’m lame. Whatever. Pointless.
When your boyfriend goes to facebook about how he’s feeling, but hasn’t left you any sort of message telling you about it.
What’s going on? Am I no longer a thought? Like last night, one of his sisters started playing Christmas music and he hates it, knows I hate it, too, but he freakin’ gets up without saying one word to me and goes down stairs to his bedroom. His parents are super Christian-y and don’t allow opposite sexes in the bedrooms, so he knew I couldn’t go down there.
Told myself he was getting tired of me. But it’s not true, right?
I detached from emotions because I wasn’t sure how to react. When I told him that what he had done had upset me, he was apologetic and was saying that he’s sorry and that he should have been more considerate. And, well yeah, but like, it felt like he had forgotten I was even there. I know I’m forgettable, I just hate it when people close to me forget about me, too.
Whatever. Forever invisible. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even exist. What’s my purpose? I can’t even be there for my boyfriend, or aren’t even considered for a rant. I’ll read his tumblr and that’s how I find shit out. Otherwise, he wasn’t going to tell me on his own. Huh. Whatever.
Rest in peace now, my brother. I’m sorry you had to go. I’m sorry we didn’t help you more. But why didn’t you let us help? And where’s the note that tells us why? Why did you do this? It’s so painful. Our little family can barely handle this. We can’t focus on anything. Everything is more complicated. We can’t sleep, nor sort out our emotions. We just want you back, man. I haven’t cried yet because it makes it all too real. I don’t want it to be real, but it’s time to stop living in this fantasy that this is all a long bad dream.
